Surviving

      13. Surviving.

I feel like I did in the past, cold and empty. I try to move my hand but an intense pain shoots through my body. I slowly open my eyes; my vision is blurry and half of it is darker. I try to get up using only my body and legs, but my muscles feel powerless and sore.

I can’t get up. I try to move my left hand and even though it is painful I can do it. I put my left hand on the soft thing I am lying on top of and push myself upwards. I rise a bit and I put some strength into my legs.

I get up, but I can barely hold my balance, I look at my right arm and I can see something white on it. I touch it with my left hand and it feels slimy and sticky. Is this the reason why I feel so bad?

Should I cut it out? Should I leave it alone? I look around and it is night time, the only light I can see is coming from the sky through the gaps of the trees or from the wide area around the big rock.

I look down to see the beras lying still, is it dead? I was sleeping on top of it, so it should be dead right? I should check it but if it wakes up now I do not think I can beat it.

What am I thinking? I will beat it even if I die if it is still alive. I think there is a dagger in its mouth from our fight. I walk slowly toward its mouth, so I do not fall, my head hurts as I walk, and I sway a lot.

I get near its head and I must go lower to reach the dagger in its mouth, how am I going to get the dagger when its mouth is closed? Should I just use my right hand and try to ignore the pain?

Yes, the pain shouldn’t matter. I go lower, but my legs lose strength and I put my left and on top of its head, so I do not fall. The constant pain in my whole body felt much worse as I almost fell, it would hurt so much if I actually fall down.

I fix my footing and use my left to open its mouth, the upper half of its snout rises, and I can see my dagger inside. I move my right hand and an intense pain goes through my whole body which is incomparable to the pain I felt when I almost fell.

I feel like passing out from the pain, but I have to do this. I grip the dagger and start pulling it from the ground, the moment it resists my pull the pain multiplies in my hand.

I grit my teeth and use all my strength to pull it out and soon it gets loose and I fall backwards on the ground. My vision is getting darker and the pain is fading away. I can’t fall asleep now. I try to move but I cannot feel my limbs. My eyes close and I can’t feel anything.

I feel something warm on my face and something is bright. I slowly open my eyes and see a blinding light, I try to use my right hand to block the light but the pain shoots through my body.

 I use my left hand instead and when I block the light I can see the surroundings. It is day time already, I must have blacked out again.

I need to get up and get to somewhere safe before other beasts come. I get up while ignoring the pain and hold on to my dagger with my right hand even though it is painful.

Why has no beast come here yet to eat the beras or me? Is the beras still alive then? Why has it not gotten up yet if it is still alive? I still need to deal with my hand too. Should I just head to the cave?

I do not know which way the cave is, it would be dangerous to walk around the forest without a direction. It is better to stay here since it has been safe up to this point.

I need to check if the beras is alive or not and then deal with my right hand. I get closer to its face and poke its eye with my dagger. My right arm feels so painful and I take the dagger with my left hand and use more strength to poke its eye.

The eye feels tough, so I use all my strength to shove the dagger into its eye. The dagger sinks deep into its eye but there is no reaction from the beras. It would have definitely woken up if it was still alive but since it didn’t it should be dead.

I pull the dagger out and clean it on the fur of the beras. Now what to do with my right arm? Do I cut out the white stuff or should I leave it be? It came from the wound I got but it didn’t come out before from the other wounds.

It seems dangerous so if I just cut it out I should get better right? I grip my dagger tighter and put it near one of the bite marks that are white. I push the dagger downwards in my skin slowly, so I do not go too deep. The pain is intense and its making me stop my left hand.

I barely got through the skin, but it feels way worse than the things that are caused by others. Why is that? I need to do this, so I shouldn’t think about it and just do it. I will not die from it, so it shouldn’t be this hard.

I push the dagger deeper, but I can feel the blade cutting into my hand and the pain is causing me to stop. Why can’t I do it? Should I just stop and hope that it will go away?

Why don’t I know which one is the right choice? Am I just making it worse? Why am I hesitating? Doing is better than not doing. If I didn’t do something I would have died in my home already.

So, I should just try to do it even if I die? I can’t know if it’s the wrong choice after all, so I might as well do all I can to make it work. Even if I die? Yes.

I smile a bit and push the dagger into the wound with all my strength. I scream from the pain and my eyes tear up. I keep cutting around the wound and dig out all the white stuff in the wound.

I keep doing it while screaming until all of it is gone. I let go of the dagger and fall on top of the beras. I keep crying on top of it, all I can feel is pain and the fur of the beras.

I try to grip the fur to make my mind think of something else but the pain, but I can feel the open wounds on my right arm and I keep screaming. The pain isn’t going away and I just wish I could pass out like before.

I keep crying from the pain and stay like that until the pain starts to be bearable. I try to keep still so the pain doesn’t get worse. A small movement would make the pain get worse and I am in more than enough pain right now.

I just lie there and try to feel as little pain as possible, I do not know how long I stay like that but eventually I start to feel less pain and my consciousness is fading away.

Chapter twelve. Chapter fourteen.